Doctor: What? .... What? .... What!?
[The Doctor presses some buttons on the console, causing the TARDIS to disentangle itself from the Titanic. TARDIS re-materialises inside the Titanic. The Doctor gets out, and notes several very strange elements of his surrounding. Goes to a porthole, sees something the audience cannot see]
Doctor: Right...
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Brand slogan: Max Capricorn cruise liners. The fastest. The furthest. The best. And I should know, because my name is Max!
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Mr Copper: I shall be taking you to Old London town in the country of UK, ruled over by Good King Wenceslas. Now human beings worship the great god Santa, a creature with fearsome claws and his wife Mary. And every Christmas Eve, the people of UK go to war with the country of Turkey. They then eat the Turkey people for Christmas dinner, like savages.
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Rickston Slade: Hang on a minute. Who put you in charge? And who in the hell are you anyway?
The Doctor: I'm the Doctor. I'm a Time Lord. I'm from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous. I'm 903 years old, and I'm the man who's gonna save your lives and all six billion people on the planet below. You got a problem with that?
Slade: No.
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The Doctor: In that case: Allons-y!
Mr Copper: It's a festival of violence! They say that human beings only survive depending on whether they've been good or bad! It's barbaric!
The Doctor: Actually, that's not true. Christmas is a time of- of peace, and thanksgiving, and.... What am I on about? My Christmases are always like this!
The Doctor: Long story. I should know, I was there. I got the last room.
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The Doctor: Oh, that's clever. That's an omni-state impact chamber. Indestructible! You could survive anything in there! You could sit through a supernova.... or a shipwreck. Only one person can have the power and the money to hide themselves onboard like this, and I should know, because-
Max: My name is Max!
The Doctor: It really does that?
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The Doctor: What's your first name?
Midshipman: Alonso.
The Doctor: You are kidding me!
Midshipman: Uh.... why?
The Doctor: There's something else I've always wanted to say: Allons-y Alonso!
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The Doctor: Astrid Peth, citizen of Sto. The woman who looked at the stars and dreamed of travelling. Now you can travel forever. You're not falling, Astrid... You're flying!
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Mr Copper: So Great Britain is part of, uh, Europé, and just across the British channel you've got Great France and Great Germany?
The Doctor: No no, it's just, it's just France and Germany. Only Britain is great.
Mr Copper: And they are all at war with the continent of Ham-erica.
The Doctor: No. Well, not yet. Erm. You could argue that one.
Mr Copper: Well, what am I supposed to do?
The Doctor: Give me that credit card.
Mr Copper: It's just petty cash, spending money. It's all done by computer. I didn't really know the currency, so I thought a million might cover.
The Doctor: A million? Pounds?
Mr Copper: Is that enough for trinkets?
The Doctor: Mr Copper, a million pounds is worth fifty million credits.
Mr Copper: .... How much?
The Doctor: Fifty million and fifty six.
Mr Copper: I've.... got money-
The Doctor: Yes, you have.
Mr Copper: Oh, my word.... oh my goodness me, I....
The Doctor: It's all yours - planet Earth! Now, that's a retirement plan. But just you be careful, though!
Mr Copper: Oh I will, I will!
The Doctor: No interfering. I don't want any trouble! Just.... Just have a nice life.
The Doctor: Mr Copper! Where're you going?
Mr Copper: I have no idea!
The Doctor: No.... me neither.
Mr Copper: Oh, and Doctor? I won't forget her.
The Doctor: Merry Christmas, Mr Copper.
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